Sunday, October 23, 2005
I want to thank you, who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
I no longer drink Pepsi, or Dr Pepper, since the people who make
these products are atheists, who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave, because it causes cancer.
And I no longer drink bottles of water that have been frozen since they
release a poison from the plastic bottle once thawed.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones, because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though I smell like a
water buffalo, on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls, because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob
I no longer receive packages from UPS, or FedEx, since they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target, since they are French and don't support
our American troops, or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore and Uzbekistan at $750 per minute.
I no longer eat KFC, because their chickens are actually horrible,
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive
my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus, since I now have
I no longer worry about my soul, because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a sick girl, who is
about die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.
I must add my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the
glue on envelopes, cause I now have to get a wet towel with every envelope
that needs sealing. Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same
Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me, and I will
now return the favor!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
60 minutes, a large seagull with diarrhea will land on your head at
5:00PM(EDT) this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your
armpits causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur, because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's
second husband's cousin's beautician!